Things have gotten pretty bad over the past couple of months. Sometimes I feel like the thin strand that’s holding me together is really close to breaking, and when that happens, I’m not exactly sure I’m going to be ready for what chaos may follow. I used to love being alone, but now-a-days, I can’t even stand the thought of it. For the first time in my life, being alone scares the living hell out of me. I’m not scared in the sense that I may be in danger, but rather that I have no one there. It’s weird. On top of that, my emotional instability never ceases to take part in my every day activities. However, with all of that tension and heartache, I can’t bring myself to cry. Just cry and cry and cry. The idea of droplets of water falling from the depths of my eyes to relieve the pain seems so simple, but I just can’t. They just never form. I never get the chance to relieve that pain.
I never get into detail or express why things are so hard. Most people say talking about the feeling makes things better, but I’ve just always dealt with things on my own that I don’t know how to talk. I don’t know where to begin or what to even say. More than anything, I really don’t want anyones pity or sympathy. People look at you differently when they see you have a weakness, but that shouldn’t mean anything to anyone.
I guess to say the least, I’ve gone through a whole lot of abuse in my life time: physical and emotional. Most people couldn’t even fathom it or understand it. Sometimes I don’t even understand what’s going on. You just learn to accept what life brings you and move on with a smile on your face hoping that things will one day get better… but then you learn that sometimes your kismet is not such. I’ve always believed in karma: the idea that what goes around, comes around. But sometimes, my beliefs fail me. I question how people can do the most rotten things and get away with it; no sense of consequence, no sense of anything. WHY?! …but all of that is besides the point.
The point is, how long can someone stay strong and act like everything is okay? How long…